Frazzled
I’m deep in a crisis in my life and I feel like I’m cutting myself with a double edged sword. By crisis I mean a totally minor thing that a normal person will figure out in minutes to a few hours where as I sit on it for months and months and some reason obsess over it.
At this point I can’t tell if I miss someone or if I miss the idea of the person or the highlights of everything I had with them. In which I’m confused if I feel “in love” or i might be lusting for a person, though I feel like I already know the answer.
Let me start off by saying, I am completely in love with the man I am with now, he’s is the most amazing, loving, patient person I’ve ever met - true marriage material. I’ve been married before in my life (a story for a different time) and that’s what scares me. I’m scared that I can’t truly give myself to one person, because I think about the same person every day, who isn’t the one I am with today.
I met this man, someone who could literally be my father, at my job about a year ago - I’ll call him Leo. When I first noticed Leo, before he even walked in, he pulled up on a lime green Suzuki motorcycle, wearing a white riding helmet with a little black mustache on the front. He was tall with a medium build, in good shape for a 47 year old man, piercing green eyes. I chatted with him every time he would come in, little flirttier every time. I never thought I’d think someone 20+ year older than me would be someone I would want to hang around with. When my ex-husband and I split up, he showed up again. I told him that I had never ridden a bike before and he offered to take me, I had agreed and he gave me his number. Feeling incredibly nervous, I didn’t message him for almost 2 weeks. After finally getting in touch with him, we set a day to go for a ride - it was incredible. I’ve never felt such a rush.
Not only did this man give me a need for speed and want for the extreme, he also gave me the best head/sex I’ve had in my life. Despite that, at the time I knew I didn’t want to be with anyone seriously, due to recently getting out of a marriage. After a few months of having fun with him, I met my now boyfriend and actually fell completely in love. Upon meeting him, I was still riding with Leo, I was talking to 2 men at the same time. Unfortunately, shortly after meeting my boyfriend, Leo and I got into an accident on his bike. Ruined the bike, burned a hole in my ankle and ass, and that made me realize I did t want to be with Leo. Realizing this, I took the wuss way out and told Leo through text, I basically wasn’t choosing him.
At the time i thought I was making the right choice, choosing someone I know I can take to meet my family and not get disowned. But since I have made this choice, I feel like I’ve made the wrong one. I love my boyfriend so very much, but there are times I feel myself longing for Leo, we do stay in touch every now and then but I know I’m leading him on though I kind of do feel a way about him.
I feel lost and I know I’m hurting both men in my life, but it hurts me to lose either one of them.
I need guidance, how can I get through the thicket of these woods?
